Maafkeun sebelumnya bahwasanya bahasa Inggris saya berantakan, paling tidak saya lebih merasa bebas untuk menyampaikan semua hehehe.
Hello again, it’s me again back to the “old me”, someone who has disappeared since 4 years ago. Someone who tried to throw all the bad things away and try to be a good person as people see. It’s been a long time since I covered up all my sadness and kind of thing. I never write about my sadness in this blog anymore until today. A sadness without reason.
Maybe, just maybe, some people see me as a cheerful person, as a funny people. But maybe some people who don’t know me, they’ll judge me as a quiet person or even cocky person. Maybe the truth is that I am the bad person who tried to be good in front of people.
I don’t remember the last time I share my thought or even my feeling to my friends (or I should call them best friend). I don’t even remember what is ‘best friend’?! Someone who always remember my birthday? Or someone who always share their sadness and happiness at the same time?
Best is relative. If you find something better, the standard of “best” is changing too. Your “best” friend in middle school or high school maybe had a better friend. They who always share things with you, who always text you first when they need to tell stories. But where are they now? A person that I thought as a “best” friend never say “happy birthday” in 3 years I think. Or maybe a person who chat me just to tell me the story about her boyfriend who cheated on her. I used to be an extrovert boy. But now, I called myself as an introvert.
Four years. I never find a “best” friend anymore. And in this time I decided to see my friends equally as a friend. Just a friend; good or bad. But never be the “best”.
And in this “four years” I never try too hard to get close to the girls. I don’t know why. I love being alone. There’s no “contract”. I love watching football, talking about it with the boys. I love listening to some-not-really-popular music. I love watching some “IMDB’s 250 best movies” or some good movies.
But that’s all shit. I’m just kind a selfish person or actually I’m not trying hard enough? I’m not a popular kid, not a handsome kid. I never become an athlete in the faculty. Futsal? Badminton? Volleyball? People never see me playing those sports. I never become an active person who always meet some people. I am a passive person. Some friends always asked me why I always go home earlier, and I’m kind a bored with that question. Not your business.
Become a fat, poor and ugly boy is never easy to get girls. Kaiser Chiefs once said that “Love is not a competition”, but I’m always losing. That’s the different between me and that song. The first 3 years, I never do something “progressive” to get the girls. I tried to know every detail or characters of the people. But I don’t know why, in these last few months, I tried to find that missing piece again. But again, maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I think I should give up. It’s too hard to find the similarity between us. Maybe I’m just a sucks person. Maybe I’m just not her type. Maybe I’m a boring person. Maybe I can’t buy her something expensive. Maybe I never go to a fine restaurant in town. Maybe I’m just too sensitive or maybe I’m just too naïve. And I think I have to go find another “home”.
Yes I’m a naïve person. And this is my sadness. Thank you.
“The sadness will never go away” Van Gogh (Suicide note)
Mungkin sebagian orang ketika membaca tulisan ini akan menertawakan saya. Tapi apa daya, ini adalah cara terbaik mengungkapkan perasaan hati paling bebas ketika teman anda tidak mampu lagi “menampung” anda :)